Joke to Go

[sinsfire]

definitely some old classics in this forum, some i haven't told for a long time.  ok so i am going to throw in some quickies, btw my girlfriend is blond and i am studying to be a lawyer so these next jokes are not meant to offend, only provoke laughter.

Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
          - professional courtesy

Why do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
          - a good start

What do you call 10,000 blonds in a freezer?
          - frosted flakes

What's blond, brunette, blond, brunette, blond, brunette?
          - a blond doing cartwheels

What is the difference between a blond and a vacuum cleaner?
          - the vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose

Why was the blond staring at the orange juice container?
          - because it said concentrate

[Giga Guess]

This is a bad joke.  Seriously, do not read it unless you want to groan.

Highlight. V

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Simple.  Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame uniwue rabbit?
Tame way.  Unique up on it.

[archermagedude]

I...don't get it...what does "unique it up means"?

[Giga Guess]

Unique up on it...You sneak up on it...

[Rose]

WANNA HEAR A FUNNY JOKE?!

Women's rights.

LOL.

Yeah. I should be shot.

[TheMightyBoosh]

Heheh lol...

One day an explorer is out in the jungle. As he wanders along, he comes upon an elephant, crying with pain, a large thorn lodged in its foot.

Feeling sorry for the elephant, the man carefully pulls out the thorn. The elephant looks at him gratefully, then limps off into the jungle.

Many years later, the same man vists a circus, and sits in the front row. The elephant acts come on, but one of the elephants keeps looking over at the explorer. Eventually, the elephant breaks free, runs over to him... then picks the man up with his trunk, dashes him to the ground, and tramples him to death with his mighty feet.

Why did the elephant do this?

Because It wasn't the same elephant.

[TheMightyBoosh]

Sorry for double posting but my browser is being weird...

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!

"Captain, captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"

[archermagedude]

Shoudn't it be yellow?

[Jaycee]

Shoudn't it be yellow?

ah, poor innocent fellow.

this isn't really a joke but it's kinda funny:


* Excerpts from a Dog's Diary*

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the garden! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


* Excerpts from a Cat's Diary*

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

[TheMightyBoosh]

Oh that's brilliant 

[Geiyu]

A woman enters a bar, and sits down next to a man dressed up like a cowboy.

She looks at him and asks, "Are you a real cowboy...?"

The cowboy nods, and says, "I'd like to think so. I work all day in the fields. I tend to my herd of cattle daily, and my horse is one of my best friends. I also lay out new barbed wire fences when they start to wear and tear."

The lady nods, and she says, "Well, I'm a lesbian. I think about women all the time. I think about women when I eat, when I sleep, even when I go to the bathroom, women are always on my mind."

The conversation pretty much dies out there, and she eventually leaves. A young business man then enters the bar, and sits down next to the cowboy.

He looks at him and asks, "Are you a real cowboy...?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, I used to think so, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[mjoyo129]

This random old man who sat next to me on an airplane told me and the he did not say another word to me for the rest of the flight...it was kind of creepy -- but the joke is funny.
 
 
A young man was on an airplane and he really had to pee, the problem was that the men's bathroom was occupied and he could not wait any longer.  He really had to go!  Just when he thought that he was going to burst he noticed that the woman's bathroom was open and politely asked the flight attendant if he could use it.  She said that it would be fine as long as he did not push any buttons.
 
The young man was somewhat confused by this but he did not ask any questions because he was too concerned with he need to urinate.
 
After he had gone to the bathroom he noticed this big red bottom labeled ATR.  He remembered what the flight attendant had told him but he was very curious on what the button meant and he saw no harm in giving it a push.
 
That is the last thing that he remembered from that flight.  He woke up a day later in a hospital bed.  Confused he asks the nurse what had happened.  She laughed at him and asks him if he knew what ATR meant. 
He shook his head. 
She smiled and told him that it stood for Automatic Tampon Remover

[Geiyu]

A man was speeding down the highway, and a cop pulled out after him with his lights flashing. The man saw the lights in his rear view mirror and thought to himself, "Shit, I can out run him." And really booked it...pedal to the metal.

After a few of minutes, the cop was still hot on his trail, and he thought, "Damn, why did I run? Now I'm really gonna get it...I can't lose this guy." and he pulled over to the side of the road. The officer got out of his car and came up to the man's window, and said, "All right buddy, I want to know just what you were thinking...if you can give me a reason I've never heard before, I'll let you off."

The man looked up at him and said, "Well officer, last week my wife ran off on me with a police officer...and when I saw your lights flashing, I thought maybe you were that officer trying to give her back to me." The officer let him go.

[SPNKr Punk]

Jesus, Moses, and an old man with a beard are playing golf.

Moses tees off first and knocks the ball into a water hazard. He walks up to the pond, parts the water, and hits the ball into the hole.

Jesus is next off, and he also hits the ball into the hazard. He walks out onto the water and hits the ball into the hole.

The old man tees off and hits the ball wayyy off the course onto a truck windshield, where the ball bounces off onto a lilly pad in the water hazard. A frog then leaps up and grabs the ball, only to be subsequently snatched by an eagle. As the frog is over the green, he drops the ball into the hole for a hole in one.

Moses turns to Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad!"

[Jaycee]

Why did the lion get lost in the jungle?

Because Jungle is massive.